The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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