Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
