Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
