The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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