I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
