yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
