I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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