Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
