Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
