my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
