The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
