My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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