you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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