the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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