the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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