I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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