Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
