2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
