Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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