im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
