no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
