gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
