Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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