well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
