Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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