Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
it's like iHOP with fire
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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