Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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