Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
