do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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