Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
