i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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