Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
