I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
