The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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