Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
