You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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