her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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