I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize