my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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