My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize