And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Found your dick twin last night
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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