we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
