haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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