On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
