lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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