She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
