Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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