every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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