i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I fill condoms, not promises.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
