I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
