Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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