i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
