i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
