I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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