why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize