What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
