Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
