smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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