I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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