I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My ass is underappreciated
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
