i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just cut my nipple shaving
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
