She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
