even my farts smell like vagina
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
