Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
