Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
