Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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