highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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