he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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