Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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