Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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