I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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